I'm kind of stupid that way…

clipped from calvinethobbes.free.fr

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“A goal is not a plan and a goal without a plan is called a wish.”

I received an email from a coworker today with the quote, “A goal is not a plan and a goal without a plan is called a wish” in his signature. He had it on his email because he’s dissatisfied with the lack of a plan for the direction of our company and he’s trying to make a point with every email he sends. I feel like I should adopt that quote as my own personal motto because it might help people to understand why I obsess over things. That quote perfectly sums up my outlook on life. I get so frustrated just “talking” about things – I always want a plan of action for getting things done!

I’m not sure that Alex completely understands that about me yet. He gets frustrated that I “obsess” over things (ahem, baby) and I guess I’m not communicating to him what I need. I don’t NEED to get pregnant RIGHT NOW, but what I NEED is a PLAN to make sure that happens in a reasonable time frame. I unfortunately am not a person who can be content with a “someday” answer. “Someday” to me always sounds like a “No”. (It’s like that Jack Johnston song, Flake: “It seems to me that maybe, pretty much always means ‘no’.”) So when I get a “Someday” type answer, I tend to keep bringing the issue up until I’m content that we’ve established a plan to make the goal a reality.

I love to plan and to have something to look forward to (like, right now, it’s killing me to not have a countdown ticker to something on the side of my blog) and I tend to apply goals and plans to every aspect of my life. When I come into work, I always sit down first thing and figure out my goals and priorities for the day. Even on weekends, I sit down at my computer and figure out everything that I’d like to get done – all the chores and fun things – and create a to-do list for the weekend. I feel lost without a plan – chaotic.

Actually, I’m not sure that I even completely understood that about myself before I started writing this. I mean, I knew that I need a plan at work and when I sat down on weekends and wrote out a to-do list for myself I realized that it was not necessarily a normal action. But I didn’t ever apply that to why I obsess over bigger things, like our debt, getting a house, and having a baby. These are all things that we’ve had discussions over and that I’ve always found myself exclaiming at one point or another, “things don’t just happen, you have to make them happen!” So even though we’d have discussions about the big, important things and talk about what we wanted to do, I’d still leave the discussion feeling a bit dissatisfied. So that’s it. I guess I figured out what I need in life to be happy – a plan.

Oh goody. Now I get to go home and talk to Alex about all those lovely fun subjects again and harass a plan out of him. He probably deserves sainthood for putting up with me.

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alone time

I hate when Alex is away. His job will sometimes keep him out overnight but I don’t mind that as much as when he’s on a multi-night business trip out of state. Fortunately, these trips are a rare occurance, but the next month is an anomoly with him travelling out of state three times before the end of June. Today he left for Denver. He’ll be home Thursday and then the week after next he goes to New Orleans for a few days. In June, he’ll go to Southern California and that should be his last big trip for a while. It’s just so random that they’re so concentrated so far this year! He doesn’t mind the travelling – I think he thinks of them like mini-adventures – so I’m happy that he has the opportunity to go… I just miss him!

I was talking to a friend at work about Alex’s travels today and she asked me how I am alone. She’s such a sweet person that she’d probably offer to let me stay with her if I was freakishly not OK with being alone. I told her that I’m fine by myself… I just tend to pig out and stay up too late, though! I can see that tonight will probably fit that pattern, unfortunately. I’m hoping, though, that I can turn over a new leaf tomorrow and try and use my time alone to force myself back into some healthy habits. It should be easier to get up and get out of bed early tomorrow morning without Alex to cozy up next to. Also, I can get away with just eating something small for dinner rather than having to put together a whole meal.

It’s weird how intensified everything is when you’re alone. I hear every noise twice as loud and the darkness in the hallway seems blacker than usual. I locked every single lock on all of our doors and jumped a mile when the phone rang earlier. Even the cats seem more needy. They’re both trying to sit on me and seem to be competing over who can be more in my face. (Door just slammed downstairs and I almost peed my pants.) I guess we all miss “daddy” (yes we are those people who act like their cats call them “mommy and daddy”).

I guess I should try and enjoy my alone time. It is nice to not hear the tv or Sirius or GTA4 constantly. I was able to finish a silly little “chick-lit” novel and managed to keep myself away from my computer and the really bad for my back way that I sit on the bench in front of my iMac which always causes me severe pain by the end of the night. I also managed to not get caught up in work all night. I dug out a Pilates DVD and plan on doing that workout tomorrow (something I’m not ready to do in front of Alex yet as I look retarded trying to do the moves). It’s nice not to have to consult anyone on mundane choices, but it’s also a little boring (much like this pointless post…). Can’t wait for Thursday!

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Mortification

I was catching up on my video podcasts today (so much easier to fall behind on them as I listen to audio podcasts while I’m exercising) and I saw an episode of Maholo Daily that featured GetMortified.com. “Mortified is a comic excavation of the strange and extraordinary things we created as kids. Witness adults sharing their own adolescent journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more.” There are a couple of books and some regionalized “chapters” that do shows based on people’s childhood creations. It sounds uncomfortably hilarious.

Yeah… I certainly have a lot to be mortified about when I think of my childhood. Just look at any of my childhood pictures (actually, I didn’t even post any of the really bad ones…). In fact, there is one home movie in particular that I wrote, directed, and “acted” in as a child that even with my ability to “own” many things would still really, really bother me if it were to surface again. The movie was called “True Love” and let me just say that it is solid evidence of my complete inability to act. Uuugh. I wish I at least knew where the tape was so I could destroy it…

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