That’s what I think.

I’m back on the Weight Watchers wagon again. I’m not sure how this time is going to be different from the last time I decided I was back on the wagon, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that when I made it to lifetime membership which was actually my second attempt at Weight Watchers, having started and lost a lot of weight the first time around in 2002.

I’ve been good at gaining weight and I’ve been good at losing it in the past, but obviously I haven’t learned yet how to keep it off. I guess that’s what I hope for this time around. Actually, honestly, what I really hope for this time around is that I’ll have to stop going in a month because I’ll be pregnant. Sigh. Well, I guess every month that doesn’t happen is a month that I’ll hopefully be losing weight. So hopefully I can focus on the weight loss thing in the meantime and the pregnancy thing will come when it comes and I won’t be so focused on it until then. Yeah, right.

So, hopefully, this time back on the wagon I can finally find my way off of the wheel and climb up on top and stay there.

Unfortunately, I’m just not a patient girl. So, the fact that my body has basically conspired against me to keep us from being able to really start to try again in earnest is torture. It doesn’t help that I literally know half a dozen pregnant girls right now – a constant reminder of what I had and what I want back. Fortunately, I’ve been able to avoid being bitter… I’m just impatient! I know that once next time comes around I’m going to immediately switch to being scared out of my mind that it will end in another miscarriage and vocally fatalistic about that potentiality while remaining secretly optimistic which will lead to being absolutely crushed if it does happen again… But for now I’ve decided to just focus on the getting to the next time around.

Which leads me to my whine. I feel like the whole process is on hold. According to my calculations (because, as I realized today, I track pretty much everything about myself – my thoughts here on my blog, my food intake, weight, and exercise activity on DailyBurn, and my waking temps on FertilityFriend), we really only have one more chance to try when Alex is home on the weekends from the Academy and then after that the timing is just wrong. So, basically, if it doesn’t happen for us this month, we’ll have to wait until after he graduates in June. So here’s my whine: I’m home and lonely and probably have nothing to look forward to in the near future. Boo! Life on hold sucks.

So yeah, I’m having my wisdom teeth ripped out of my head the day after tomorrow. I’m pretty much dreading this.

I mean, when you talk to people who’ve had their wisdom teeth out, they pretty much never have a happy story to share with you. It’s always, “I woke up!” or “I threw up for days!” or “I got dry socket and had to spray the holes in my mouth with saline!” What the hell, ew! By the way, “dry socket” is a combination of words that makes me immediately gag. EW.

I’m completely unprepared for this. I had to go to the dentist on Monday to get a panoramic xray and ended up getting a cleaning and a regular xray… which meant that they couldn’t do the pano-x-ray like I needed because insurance wouldn’t pay for 2 different kinds of x-rays done on the same day. Argh! What was annoying about that was I told the hygienist first thing that I needed the pano-x-ray and she then advised me to get the regular x-rays done because I was overdue and then at the end of the appointment she was the one that pointed out that the insurance wouldn’t pay for both done on one visit. Um… obnoxious. So now I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow and get a tiny filling done (uuuugh) and get the pano-x-ray. It’s kind of snowing hardcore right now and probably through the night, so I’m going to have to drive in snow on my lunch break to get this done tomorrow, which is super obnoxious. Hopefully the office won’t be closed because I need that x-ray, or I’m screwed. Oh, and also, it didn’t occur to me until today that I don’t have soft foods here for me to eat after the surgery is done and I really don’t want to have to run to Price Chopper in the snow. Yep, I’m screwed.

I’m pretty much dreading this.

I’m totally going to be this kid on Thursday:

Saturday started off crappy – I felt tired and was starting to feel what I thought were normal side effects from the surgery. I took some Advil and started to get ready for Carrie and John’s son’s baptism party. I was feeling really out of it, though, and didn’t remember that our super huge mirror that usually hung on the wall above my dresser was off the wall and propped up behind the dresser while we painted the bedroom. I moved the dresser to get out a pair of jeans and ended up smashing the huge mirror into a thousand pieces. I called Alex crying – it just seemed like a huge deal to me at the time and all I could think (besides how much cleaning up all of those tiny shards was going to suck) was that we really, really, really didn’t need 7 years of bad luck. Alex told me that I was being rediculous – all a broken mirror meant was you couldn’t use it anymore. I pulled myself together and finished getting ready and headed up to Clifton Park, pausing to layer on some extra strength Tylenol with my Advil.

As the day progressed, the pain I was feeling intensified. I ended up leaving the party early and went to my parents’ house. I spent most of the day on the couch or pacing when my pain got too much to bear laying still. I was getting frustrated that even though I was being diligent about taking my pain meds every four hours, I wasn’t feeling any better. I was feeling progressively worse.

By the time guests started arriving for my dad’s going away party, I was feeling really bad. I tried to not look as miserable ad I felt, but I don’t think I was terribly successful in that endeavor. A couple of hours later, I had to bail out early and Alex and I headed home.

When we got home, I popped a couple of Tylenol with codiene and layed on the sofa with Alex while we watched Netflix movies. I still wasn’t feeling any better. I whined and moaned as we layed there and Alex told me he wa calling my dr in the morning. Finally we decided to just go to bed. Alex gave me an Ambien in the hopes that I’d pass out and not feel any pain.

Unfortunately, that plan didn’t work out too well. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning in pain. I got up to go to the bathroom and ended up in so much pain that I actually screamed. Alex came rushing out to me and I started to pass out. I kept moaning, “we gotta go… we gotta go to the ER…”. Alex got me in the car and took me to Ellis.

The ER was not busy when we got to Ellis and I made it through triage and into a private room very quickly – which meant that I got morphine fairly quickly. I was incredibly thankful for that. I was comfortable there in my hospital gown on my bed, hooked up to an IV and getting good pain meds. I was sent for a CT scan which showed that I fortunately had no injury from my surgery, but that I was inflamed, which was evidence of an infection. They gave me antibiotics by IV and then sent me home with prescriptions for 2 different antibiotics and for Percocet for my pain.

I was so out of it from the infection and Percocet that I don’t remember much of Sunday or Monday. I followed up with my dr on Monday, who seemed pissy at the ER for some reason. I was still in a lot of pain then, but she wouldn’t give me anything else for pain because I was taking a lot already (2 Percocet every 4 hrs) and she felt that after the antibiotics started to kick in that I’d be in less pain. She was right. By Tuesday I was feeling better, but still pretty sick. I went back to work Wednesday, which was really too soon. At my follow up appointment with my doctor on Thursday afternoon, I was chastised for returning to work so soon and “ordered” to take the next day off of work and rest.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the couch the last couple of days, but I think I have this irrational expectation that I should instantly feel better after this investment of couch time. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. At this point, I really am (really!) “over” the whole miscarriage part of it. Because I’ve been so open with everyone about what’s been going on, I’ve been able to hear about other people’s experiences and been able to see how common it is, even among my friends, to go through this. What’s been really great to hear is how many of them have gone on very quickly to have successful pregnancies. So yeah, I’m over that part. What I’m really having a problem with now, is that I’m still feeling so incredibly crappy. I’m just done with this. I want to feel better and just move on at this point.

Today, what inspired me to write is the fact that I’m injured. Again. What’s frustrating about that, beyond the hurtiness, is the fact that yet again I’ve injured myself within the first couple of weeks of being back at Weight Watchers and/or the gym. Argh!!! As I’ve whined before, it’s like God wants me to be fat!

This time I didn’t fall down the stairs (thank God!), but it was almost equally as enbarassing. I was leaving work around the same time as three of the people who work for me: Kelley, Jaime, and Chris. They were getting into their cars while I was walking towards my car when I suddenly rolled my ankle (on flat ground). I heard the familiar “Pop! Pop! Pop!” that happens when I roll my ankle hard enough to sprain it and felt the pain pretty much immediately. I started to fall, but caught myself on a car. Kelley, Jaime and Chris saw me holding myself up on the car and realized that I’d hurt myself.

I have to say, I love the people on my team. Even though it was freezing out and dark and the end of a long work day, they stopped to help me. They wouldn’t let me drive myself home (since driving a standard would be pretty much impossible with only one good foot) and since Kelley and Jaime were carpooling and only Chris could drive stick, Chris drove me home while Jaime followed in Chris’s car and Kelley followed behind them. Luckily, I live very close to work, but I was still super embarrassed to have inexplicably hurt myself on flat ground and to need their help.

So now I’m pouty about being hurt again. I’d wanted to hit the gym hardcore this weekend since I’ve got a couple work related functions this weekend and Monday where I’m not sure if there’ll be any healthy food available. Alex thinks I’ll probably be able to be back to the gym in a few days. I hope so! I’ve let injuries derail my weight loss plans in the past and I just really don’t want that to happen again.

I’m such a freaking klutz! Ugh.

Something clicked this past week.  I’ve been complaining about how I’ve gained so much weight since my wedding (about 60 lbs in 15 months – OMG!) but I haven’t really been doing anything about it.  I half-heartedly worked with Dodi and a Personal Trainer for the month and a half leading up to her Wedding in September, but my heart wasn’t really in it and I didn’t make much progress… and any progress that I did make that that time has since been reversed.  I was my most terrible around Halloween – scarfing down candy all day long at work with no regard for the fact that the scale was heading in the wrong direction.

So I don’t know what did it, but something finally clicked.  I woke up on Monday morning and got on the Wii Fit right away and then was awesome all day recording everything that I ate and managed to stay within my calorie goals.  I’ve been using Gyminee off and on since January since it’s got a great iPhone optimized interface that allows me to look up nutritional info and exercises (and even view video demos!) on the go – and it’s free.  Yesterday, I got back on the Wii Fit in the morning and recorded my weight again – and I was down four pounds since Monday!  Now, being a former Weight Watchers girl, the four pound loss doesn’t “count” for me until I see that on Monday – it’s got to be a once a week weigh-in.  But I’m still excited.

Gyminee recently started challanges on their site.  I joined a “lose 15% weight by Thanksgiving” challange back in August, but, like I said, my heart just wasn’t in it.  Today, I started my own challange: Thin By 30.  I want to get back to my goal weight before my thirtieth birthday.  I’ve got 8 months to go and I need to lose 25% of my body weight to get back to my goal.  That’s about 1.7 lbs per week… which is ambitious but completely within the healthy range of 1 to 2 lbs a week.  So far, I’m the only one participating in my challange, but I encourage others to join!  The winner will get the “Vanquisher of Pounds” award for the most percentage of weight lost by my 30th birthday.

I’ve got a widget on a sidebar of my blog that will show my progress.  I’m feeling great that I’m finally getting back on track and I really hope that it sticks!

We were walking down the stairs when suddenly my heel caught in the cuff of my jeans. I started to fall forward and thought that I’d catch myself, but that didn’t happen. Apparently, Larry thought that he’d catch me too, but unfortunately that didn’t work out either. Instead we both came crashing down the last three stairs to the middle landing. I landed on my left knee hard and Larry sort of landed on top of me. I say sort if because I think that he somehow cushioned the impact of my upper body because the only pain that I felt was in my left knee – and it HURT.

Larry immediately righted himself while I struggled to a sitting position. “Oh my God!” he yelled, “I tried to catch you and I fell on top of you!” I clutched at my knee and was doubled over laughing. In between crazy, Joker-like laughs and deep breathes to try and ward off the searing pain in my knee I tried to figure out if Larry was ok. It’s embarrassing enough to fall down the stairs, but to take someone with you? Horrific! Larry assured me that he was generally fine, but he’d crushed a finger and hit his shoulder. “Oh my God it hurst on the INSIDE” he exclaimed while gripping his finger. Which made me laugh more.

I laughed until the initial shock at falling wore off and I realized that I wasn’t seriously hurt or dead. But once that thought crossed my mind, I was overcome with a mild case of that other kind of shock. I got all pale and lightheaded and was pretty sure I’d faint. Larry brought me Advil and water and stayed sitting with me in the stairwell until reinforcements came.

Alex was working with Clifton Park ambulance and must have been on a call because he didn’t answer his phone or a text. Foster fortunately was able to drive me to the hospital and stay with me and get me home. He also was able to get in touch with Alex, who was super worried when he received my text that said I was going to the hospital.

Turns out I just bruised my knee very badly – nothing was broken, thank God. They wrapped my knee and gave me crutches and sent me home (after a few hours of waiting – it was busy there today!). I’ve kept it elevated, wrapped, and iced on and off tonight. It’s throbbing in pain again and I hope that the Advil PM Alex gave me not long ago kicks in soon. The bruising doesn’t look that bad right now, but then I always seem to be a late bloomer with bruises. I suck at walking with the crutches so I think I’ll just wrap it tight and pump the painkillers tomorrow so I can hobble around without the crutches tomorrow. Oh, and I’m totally going to use the creepy old elevator tomorrow at work.

Of course, then I got to work this morning and had a (small) slice of pumpkin bread that someone brought in and left in the kitchen.  D’oh.

But I’ve been able to stay away from sugar and cream loaded coffee this AM and I didn’t stop for a bagel or anything on the way in.  I’m digging Green Tea right now and if I still feel the “need” to eat more after my pumpkin bread I’ll have some oatmeal.

Go healthy lifestyle changes! 

Unfortunately, I woke up with back pain. Such a pain in the… Well, back. LOL. I searched online this am to see how other people deal with bulging disc pain and found this horrific post from a girl who said her disc ruptured one day when she sneezed. OMFG. She ended up having surgery and was out of work for five weeks but is doing much better. I’m terrified to have surgery. I just want my back to get better without it. I can’t be out of work for that long – frankly, I’m afraid I’d lose my job! Also, without much time to prepare, we certainly couldn’t afford it. Webmd said that for nonphysical work people go back to work in about two to four weeks. I could handle two weeks but I’d use up all my vacation time and that would rule out a trip to Dubai. I don’t know what to think.

My physical therapist is sending me back to my doctor to be reevaluated because I’m not seeing any improvement with therapy and I’m worried that they might suggest surgery at this point. I want my back to get better but I’m afraid of surgery and being able to afford it. I don’t have short term disability insurance right now either and I wonder if they’ll even cover an absence due to surgery for my back if it’s a condition that I had before I get the insurance. Also, it seems like we switch insurance companies and plans every year at work and what if that happens again and my new plan won’t cover treatment or surgery because it’s preexisting? I might be worrying over nothing. That might never happen, but medical insurance always seems so complex and confusing. Ugh.

And then on top of all of that I’m a little baby crazy right now and so I’m depressed that my stupid back might cause a baby to get delayed even further than what we’d been talking about. Stupid annoying back. Argh! My obsession now is to get the back thing fixed asap and hopefully without scary surgery. Can’t I just “walk it off”?!

End overly emotional worried rant.

Must focus on enjoying my day off. I think I’ll work for a bit (get at least one review done) and then take my camera and go for a walk in the park. It’s chilly but gorgeous out with clear blue skies and firey autumn leaves. I’ll be so annoyed at myself if I don’t go out and enjoy the day!!

I did track everything in Gyminee, so at least I’m being honest with myself. Oh. And I excersized at least a half an hour each day. And right now I’m in the treadmill at my gym posting from my iPhone while I watch The Bourne Identity in the Cardio Theater. How’s that for multitasking? . I’ll get better. I’ll be successful and lose weight. I just need to be persistent and keep my goals in mind. I can do eet!

As an aside, I’m totally randomly wickedly excited that The Bourne Identity is on. Apparently I love this movie. Oh, and Matt Damon is really hot.