“You shouldn’t be allowed to have any,” Alex said last night, while he poured me some more red wine. Seconds later, I was crying my eyes out.
What Alex was referring to was my offense against red wine everywhere that occurred last week: I’d opened a bottle, poured a glass, and promptly forgot about the rest of the bottle, which sat open on the counter for a few days until he got home from the academy. What I immediately thought was, “yep, I shouldn’t be allowed to have any. I should be almost 8 months pregnant, getting ready to have a baby in July.” Alex had unwittingly tossed out a landmine that I fell on hard.
I kind of thought I was over it. I mean, I’d been referring to it as “our quitter baby… our little emo fetus who couldn’t take life” when I needed to talk about it. Joking is my way of dealing with things and I thought it was dealt with. Guess not. I’m really, really, really not looking forward to July. July is usually a really great month for me – I love fireworks and family so the Fourth is one of my favorite holidays, my birthday is in July, and our wedding anniversary – but this year I’m afraid of July. I’m afraid I’m going to get really depressed towards the end of July when our due date comes and goes and we’re no closer to being “back on track” and pregnant again.
I don’t feel like this all the time. Most days I can be pretty positive and tell myself that it’ll happen when the time is right and that next time will be great and we won’t go through this again and everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah. But then I’ll step on a landmine and suddenly I’ll be consumed with fears over having multiple miscarriages or having difficulties getting pregnant again. I get frustrated that it’s taking so long for it to happen again (it’s been four months now since I’ve been physically able to try) since it was so easy for us before. I get worried that it means something that it’s taking a long time now (when, rationally, I know that it’s probably just because our timing is just not right with Alex being away every week at the academy). I stare at my BBT charts and get nervous about what signs they might be giving me and I think, “My waking temps seem much lower than a normal person’s… Could I have some sort of hormone deficiency?! Is that what caused the miscarriage?! Does it mean that it’ll happen again?!” I got so spun up over thoughts like that the other day that I called the doctor’s office that I want to switch to to make an appointment, and the first thing they had for the doctor that everyone raved about was in August. I took the appointment, and then called my current doctor’s office to see if I could get in there sooner and the first thing they had was July. I took that appointment too and then hung up the phone and cried.
I get so frustrated because everyone tells me not to worry. Just calm down and let nature take its course. Que sera, sera, right? Yeah, I wish I could be like that. I don’t know how to not be neurotic, though. I try and tell myself to not worry about it until after Alex graduates, to just stop taking my waking temps and put it all out of my head and not focus on it again until after June. I actually started off this month pretty good in that respect. I was still charting my temps because that’s just what I do – what I have been doing for almost two years now. But just when I thought I was out, I got pulled back in. I thought I saw a “sign” that made me think that we had a chance this month. I actually even had a positive looking test, which turned out to be a false positive. That pretty much sucked a lot. I can obsess enough on my own without “proof”.
So, I haven’t come to any conclusions writing this out. I haven’t solved any problems, but I do feel a little better for now. Guess I just needed a little whine.
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Filed under Baby, Diary | Comment (0)I watched the movie Motherhood tonight while I was dialed into my work computer to get a few things done before tomorrow. Actually, it was all very nerdy… I had the movie going in one window, was dialed into my work laptop in another window, and had a chat going in a third window. I was pretty proud of my multi-tasking… well, only proud because my work task was mostly just repetitive data entry (had figured out “the tough stuff” on Friday and tonight was all about just getting it done in our less than ideal system that we use to track client data. Because, actually, I’m not really a fan of multi-tasking – I’ve even got an article hanging on the wall of my cube about how it’s probably actually better to do one thing at a time. I’d rather do one thing well than a bunch of things half-assed.
But anyway, back to the point. So I was watching that movie while getting some work done and was loving my nerdy setup and then just a few minutes into the movie I realized that my version of multi-tasking was going to really pale in comparison to what my future self’s version of multi-tasking is. You know, when I’m a mom. Sigh… No brooding tonight.
But I’m awake and, pathetically, that’s my default activity. Brooding. I wish I could change my default to something productive, like cleaning. Because, seriously, there is some cleaning to be done. I haven’t gotten into a good routine of doing chores on a regular basis. I’m going to attempt to this week, though. Tomorrow is dusting and tidying, Tuesday will be floors, and Wednesday will be bathrooms. I’m thinking I should create a “chore chart” for myself – stickers and all – so that I have a goal of exactly when I want to do things and get a little prize (weeee! stickers!) when I actually do them.
Of course, that’s just me overplanning and underdoing again. I’ll spend hours, days, weeks, months coming up with a plan for something as mundane as chores, but will I ever actually do the chores? Of course not. The planning is the funnest part!
Sigh. No more brooding or planning or not cleaning tonight. Time for bed!
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Filed under Diary | Comment (0)Today was a rough day. I knew that it was going to be a busy day at work, but work ended up being unexpectedly turbulent. Change is the only constant you can expect in life, right? Besides work, I got some news from my doctor’s office that was annoying/depressing. I’d been to the doctor a couple of weeks back to have blood work done to see if all of the pregnancy hormones were out of my system yet after the miscarriage and my levels came back unexpectedly high. I was kind of afraid of that happening because I really hoped we could start trying again right away and hormones hanging around mean that it’s taking longer than usual for my body to get back to normal. Alex will be leaving for the Academy after next week, which will mean that our opportunities for trying will be limited over the next few months. So, since my body is not cooperating and we can’t start trying (well, we won’t be successful) again for a while, it’s just depressing thinking of how long it will probably take before we’re successful again. I really hoped that I’d be pregnant again by July so that I didn’t have to go through my 31st birthday and past our previous expected due date without at least something “concrete” to be looking forward to (and not just a hope). Well, anyway… here’s hoping that I’ve got more than just hope by then. My emotions are ready – come on, body, catch up!
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Today’s my birthday!! Last birthday in my 20s. I’m 29 – I can’t actually believe I’m that old! I got up and did Wii Fit today and it wished me happy birthday. Adorable.
Alex gave me my birthday gift last night – the perfect geeky gift – a 1 TB Time Capsule (wireless HD with a built in 802.11n wireless router). It was perfect and unexpected. I totally wanted another Hard Drive and I really wanted another router. So yay!!!!
Must go get ready for work (blech. People should have free days off on their birthday…)
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Filed under Diary | Comment (0)Should not go to gym so late at night. Am suffering this AM. Could not fall asleep last night because I was still all wired and now I feel like a zombie. Also I’m all sore. So I’m a stiff zombie. Oh, but that makes sense… Should be getting ready for work now… Work will probably blow today. At least it’s the last day of work this week…
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Filed under Diary, random | Comment (0)Uuuugh. 
I realized this weekend when I was talking about how I gained 40 lbs since the wedding that it’s not necessarily since the wedding that I’ve gained that weight. I mean, I certainly gained some weight on the honeymoon (mmmmm… Guinness and Meat Pies in London…) but I think that it’s really been since my job changed at work and the STRESS began.
Anyway, that’s besides the point.
This weekend was pretty great. 
Went to see the Sex and the City movie with Dodi and a few of her friends on Friday night. The movie was great and it was fun to hang out with the girls and have some drinks afterwards. Saturday afternoon was the birthday party for Kaitlyn, Alex’s cousin’s daughter. I’ve got pictures posted here. There were tons of babies there, so the pictures are all pretty cute. 
After the party, we went to Alex’s parents’ house for dinner. We stopped at the preserve for a few minutes before that and I saw a snapping turtle up close for the first time. There are pictures in the birthday party album. So, the album is filled with pictures of cute babies and close ups of a nasty turtle. What an amalgamation… LOL. Later that night, Alex and I saw the new Chronicles of Narnia movie – which was pretty good. Alex said, “It had nothing to do with the book” but that never bothers me. I don’t remember details of books very well and I enjoyed the movie on its own. Eddie Izzard voices a mouse in it and pretty much steals every scene he’s in. The mice were just adorable… They even played tiny bagpipes for a fallen comrade.
Today my big adventure was reintroducing Alex to the Library. He reads a lot – which is great – but he buys all the books he reads and then reads them once – which is an expensive habit. Even more expensive than buying regular books is buying audio books – which he does as well – since those are like $30 each. Obnoxious. So, I brought Alex to the library today. His only comment was, “They could really make this place more popular if they served coffee in it, like at Barnes and Noble’s.” (I actually agreed with him but as he said that really loud in the echo-y library with a ton of people around I had to roll my eyes and sigh really loudly at him.)
We actually both checked audio books out since I found out that I like to listen to audio books while I work out. I enjoy reading so very much but I kind of get addicted to whatever book I’m reading and it prevents me from doing things – like going to the gym (well, it gives me another excuse and I really don’t need another excuse…). When I listen to an audio book, I get obsessed over a story in the same way, but I’m mobile… I can listen while I drive around or get work done or go to the gym. It’s awesome. I discovered this while listening to the audio book version of Dodi’s fav book, Twilight, which was awesome. I can see why she’s obsessed. I wanted to check out the next book in that series, but they didn’t have a print or audio copy in, so I just put a reserve on them and checked out A Great and Terrible Beauty which I found on Amazon.com in the “People who buy this item also buy…” section of the Twilight listing.
Weekend Summary: Sex and the City: The Movie was a movie-length version of one of the regular episodes – great. Girl’s night out nights are hella fun. Babies are very cute. Turtles are very creepy. Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian was an exciting movie that was a lot of fun – very good. Libraries are awesome places where you can get shit for free but would be made better by coffee shops.
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