Today was a rough day. I knew that it was going to be a busy day at work, but work ended up being unexpectedly turbulent. Change is the only constant you can expect in life, right? Besides work, I got some news from my doctor’s office that was annoying/depressing. I’d been to the doctor a couple of weeks back to have blood work done to see if all of the pregnancy hormones were out of my system yet after the miscarriage and my levels came back unexpectedly high. I was kind of afraid of that happening because I really hoped we could start trying again right away and hormones hanging around mean that it’s taking longer than usual for my body to get back to normal. Alex will be leaving for the Academy after next week, which will mean that our opportunities for trying will be limited over the next few months. So, since my body is not cooperating and we can’t start trying (well, we won’t be successful) again for a while, it’s just depressing thinking of how long it will probably take before we’re successful again. I really hoped that I’d be pregnant again by July so that I didn’t have to go through my 31st birthday and past our previous expected due date without at least something “concrete” to be looking forward to (and not just a hope). Well, anyway… here’s hoping that I’ve got more than just hope by then. My emotions are ready – come on, body, catch up!
Popularity: 1% [?]
Filed under Baby, Diary | Comment (0)I haven’t posted publicly about it, but I found out I was pregnant in November. I was beyond thrilled and Alex and I were really excited for July, when our baby was expected to arrive. We slowly told family and friends as I neared the end of my first trimester and everything seemed fine. Well, today we received terrible, terrible news. Our baby had miscarried. It came as a complete shock as I’d never had a lot of pregnancy symptoms when the pregnancy was confirmed, and so there was no noticeable difference in how I’d been feeling. We found out when we went in for our twelve week ultrasound. I could tell right away that something was wrong. The tech couldn’t find anything and instantly looked worried. The images that I could see didn’t look right – what I recognized as the uterus didn’t look big enough, compared to the pictures that I’d been staring at online for weeks. Alex was oblivious to the fact that something was going wrong. He asked the tech what we were looking at and if it was too early to be able to make things out and her answers back to him confirmed my fears – she was red cheeked as she stammered something about the doctor needing to look at the images. We waited to see my doctor upstairs and when the nurse brought me directly to her office instead of the scale I really knew. The doctor came in and told us what I expected to hear by that point, that the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and that it didn’t measure up to the 12 week mark. She left us for a few minutes and I fell apart.
I’d been so excited for weeks for that appointment. All day today at work I was planning on how I was going to tell my boss and coming up with a maternity leave plan that I was super proud of. I had no expectation of anything but good news at this appointment, and so I was shocked. I couldn’t ask the doctor any questions and could only half listen as she explained that I would need to have surgery to remove the placenta and fetal remains. Apparently I’m looking at a good few weeks of unpleasantness, and then will need to wait for my body to get back to normal before we can even think about trying again. It’s so depressing.
I feel betrayed. I don’t know by what – my body I guess. I feel stupid for believing that everything would, of course, be alright. I feel sad for the loss of our hopes for the summer. I feel dread for the next few weeks of unpleasantness. I feel worried that it will take months and months before we can start trying again. I’m worried that once we are able to start trying again, it will take us months and months before we are successful again. And I dread that if/when we are successful again, that we’ll go through this pain another time.
I remember that as we told people, I kept thinking that we were going against advice to hold off until we were out of the first trimester, “just in case”. We were so happy and excited, though, that keeping it to ourselves wasn’t an option. We’re not private people, Alex and I. That’s just not the way we are. And now that the worst has happened, I don’t feel terrible about having to tell people about it. I’d rather people know why I’m sad or looking depressed. I’d rather people know that we’ve had a loss than unknowingly insensitively ask us, “when are you having kids?” I’m an over-sharer with most things in my life, so I just didn’t see why this should be any different. And frankly, talking about it helps. If I couldn’t talk about it, I’d internalize and get extremely depressed – that’s just my nature.
I took all of my pregnancy books and the few baby things we were given over Christmas upstairs to the nursery where I put it in the closet and closed the door. That was really hard, but I needed to make sure that I didn’t have a bunch of “emotional triggers” laying around the house. I’m trying to stay positive and distract myself as much as possible and focus on the fact that we were able to achieve one time (and really quickly) – so we should be able to do it again. I can try and lose some weight in the meantime and the longer we wait the more we’ll have in savings (theoretically). I know, rationally, that there are a lot of positives that I can focus on, but it’s hard. Hard to see past the immense disappointment, sadness, and shock. Hard to not think of the next four or five months as time wasted – a terrible purgatory of waiting when it was supposed to be an exciting and happy time.
Popularity: 21% [?]
Filed under Baby | Comment (0)Or weird. Or whatever.
Just a little bored at work.
Ok, and a little obsessed.
Definitely creepy that the eyes move and the bottom lip is a little weird, but actually kind of cute… 
Somehow less creepy than the kids that MakeMeBabies.com made for us:
Creepy, serious children.
Yeah….. back to work.
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby | Comment (0)I went to my doctor today and I’m not sure if I totally think she just sucks or what. Well, that’s not fair. She’s my GP and doesn’t specialize in back stuff so I should probably give her a break. But she was just like, “well, I guess you can go back to see Dr Gordan (the neurosurgeon) and then he’ll probably refer you to the Physical Medicine & Rehab doctor again.” What a joy that will be. Take time out of work to go to the neurosurgeon who isn’t going to do anything for me and who will be snotty and annoyed that I’m there because he’s a big fancy neurosurgeon and I don’t need surgery only to be referred again to a PM&R doctor who will refer me for more physical therapy. I want off this crazy train. I have the exercises from PT and I’m convinced that I’m not getting better because I haven’t really been making an effort towards really focusing on sitting correctly and doing my exercises so I’m just going to do what I can on my own. That’s what I’ve decided, dammit. Of course, Alex won’t be happy with that assessment.
So anyway when my doctor was done annoying me this morning she asked, “do you want a flu shot?” and I was like, “oh totally because at least I’ll get something useful out of today’s visit” (well, I didn’t SAY that – what I said was “sure” – but I definitely thought that…) and then the nurse came in and stuck me and now my arm is all hurty and I feel vaguely crappy.
This is me whining again. I’m such a whiner lately. Just ask Beck and Dodi.
It’s because I’m obsessing again. Oh, you know about what. Take a look at that post two down. Babies. Well, a baby. Having one. I’d told Alex back in June that I’d give him a six month break and that I wouldn’t bring it up again until December 12th but I couldn’t make it that long. He had me babysit a 10 week old a few weeks ago, can you blame me for getting the crazies again?! No. You can’t. I’m completely rational. (Not at all.)
I’m old. I’m like, 29. That’s ancient. But beyond that, I just can’t stop thinking of babies. Babies, babies, babies. It’s retarded. Like today, I was at work trying to write up a review of one of my employees but I kept just staring off into space. And then all of a sudden I was on amazon.com cruising baby paraphenalia. Argh! This happens, like, daily.
Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore so I brought it up with Alex yesterday and he shit on my dreams. He told me that his feelings towards children have changed (meaning, he’s ok with having them sometime in the near future) but that he’s worried about my back. ARGH. So I went to the doctor today and asked her about having a baby with back problems like mine. She didn’t seem to think it was such a big deal. She told me that I probably would experience some increased back pain with more weight, but that I could always try and lose some weight first and that it shouldn’t prevent us from trying for kids. See? I knew it.
So I decided to talk to Alex again tonight. I told him that he didn’t have my back as an excuse so if there was anything else that was bothering him he better tell me now. He admitted that while he’s not freaked out anymore about having kids, he is freaked out about the next year for him. He’s in school to get his Paramedic and he’s required to do a bunch of ride time (which caused him to get a per diem job with the Clifton Park ambulance) and hospital time. He’s nervous because on top of all that, he’s required by his job to take on call time as well. And, next semester he goes up to 4 days a week for school from three. He’s just not sure how it will all work out. I told him that he needs to talk to his boss – there’s no sense in just worrying over it without attempting to make some sense of it. I asked him if he really was sure about being a firefighter, because he’d said something last weekend that made me think that he wasn’t sure. He confirmed that he’s positive about it – and that his comment last weekend was more to do with convincing himself that if it doesn’t happen, he’d still be OK. Then I told him that he just needs to focus on that. He’s doing things to make that happen and if he’s insanely busy for a year, then that’s what it’s going to take. I won’t whine to him about his not being around. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.
So I guess I understand why he’s not completely on board with starting to try to have a baby. He’s worried about this year and stressed out and I get it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make me want it any less, but I get it. Sigh. So now I guess I have to wait till the Spring. At that point, he’ll be well into the next semester and the light at the end of the tunnel will be a little closer for him. And if we actually started trying and succeeded right away in like April or May we’d have a baby by early 2010.
Soooo far off!
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby | Comment (0)
|
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby | Comment (0)Well, it’s Mother’s day, but I had a conspicuously mother-less day today. My Wham is in Dubai, my Mom told me late last week that she decided to spend the weekend in Puerto Rico, and Alex is on call today so we did dinner with his Mom on Friday instead. Amy came over to our place earlier today and we did the conference call with the family together from here (we had a little project to work on first) and then we went to Colonie Center together. We both needed body wash and it had been a while since we hung out so we got lunch together and did the mall thing. I got some stress relief body wash, lotion and hand cream, since it’s been so non-stop at work lately. Hopefully the soothing, spa-like smells of “tranquil mint” will help me to take a moment and relax when it’s spinning out of control at work. Hopefully.
While we were at the mall, I picked up a birthday gift for Amy & Foster’s baby, Morgan, at Baby Gap. Her first birthday part is next weekend so I’m actually way ahead of my usual schedule of picking up gifts the night before or on the way to a party. Baby clothes are too cute for words. We got her a little pink sun dress with a coordinating handkerchief headband. I can just see Amy with Morgan this summer at the Cape – Morgan running around barefoot on the beach with this little dress on. 
I can’t believe it’s been a year since she was born already. Nora will be turning one pretty soon too and even Avery is already seven months old! It’s amazing how quickly time seems to go by now! I remember when I was little and in school – time seemed to drag on so that summer vacation always seemed to be soooooooo far away. Now a whole year has come and gone and I feel like my head’s spinning!
Maybe it’s all the babies we know or maybe it’s because I’m feeling old and time seems to be slipping by so fast or maybe it’s just Mother Nature kicking in but over the past few weeks I’ve come to the realization that I’m no longer freaked out by the thought of having a baby. I’m a little freaked out by how suddenly my feelings have changed, because if you’d asked me about a month ago when we were having kids I’d have said, “oh, not for a couple of years.” I didn’t want to plan on having kids before we were a bit further out of debt and we’ve been enjoying our “freedom” so much. I mean, when we went to Boston on our Spur-of-the-Moment trip near the end of March we secretly called it our “because we have no kids and we can” trip. So Alex was understandably taken off guard when I blurted out in the car after having cuddled Avery at Uno’s last week, “I want one.”
Unfortunately, he’s not in line with my way of thinking yet, which I completely understand because up until a few weeks ago I totally felt the same way as him. I hadn’t let him in on my change of heart before that because I was a little unsure of the reality of my feelings considering my sudden thought reversal. I decided to put it out there because keeping it from him felt like lying and I figured that he’d never start actually thinking about it unless he knew that I was ready for it. Besides, I actually don’t want to have a baby before next Summer (09) because I can’t imagine my Wham not being here for when the time comes (and frankly for before that when I’m sure I’ll freak out over every feeling/change/experience and will need easy access to Wham advice). But, since they take so long to bake, that means that we could start trying late this Fall to time it right… So I guess we’ll see if he’s ready by then.
In the meantime, I can focus on getting healthy physically and financially first. Just because there is no “official” planning yet doesn’t mean that I can’t “unofficially pre-plan”.
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby, Diary | Comment (0)More great news!! Patty called me earlier this morning to let me know that Beck’s in the hospital with contractions 4 minutes apart!! She’s totally having her baby today!! HOW EXCITING!!!!! 
I hope that everything goes well and I can’t wait to hear if it’s a boy or a girl and what they name baby etc! Hopefully Alex and I will be able to see mommy and baby on our way down to JFK on Sunday to leave for our Honeymoon. YAY!!!!
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby, wedding | Comment (0)How freaking crazy is that?! CRAZY!!!
I woke up today again at 6am. Annoying. I think it’s nerves. I’m not sure why I’m feeling like that – I’ve got pretty much everything done. Amy and Wham helped me tons with some of the DIY stuff so that was all done pretty much by Sunday night. All of the “wedding crap” (accessories, props, etc) is out of the apartment and either already down at Franklin Plaza or is at the Folk’s house waiting to be taken over this AM. I feel like I’ve got everything pretty much under control!
I guess the nerves come in because while I’ve consulted my many, many checklists, I’m nervous that I’m forgetting something. I know what I need to do to get finished up in the next two days: pack for my nights at the hotel, confirm the hotel for the honeymoon, start packing for the honeymoon, make sure that I have the marriage certificate in with my “wedding day stuffâ€, make sure the boy puts someone in charge of my ring, get a pedicure and eyebrow wax, have my spa day tomorrow, pick up my gown, and check into the Franklin Suites. Once that’s all done, it’s really wedding time! I just hope that I’m not forgetting anything important.
We found out on Monday night that Beck is not going to be able to be at the wedding. 
It’s sad, of course, that she can’t be there but Mother Nature will do what she has to do so there’s no use getting too upset about it. She also found out that she’ll be getting induced on Sunday so that means that probably by Sunday night she’s going to have her baby!!! We’ll have a ton of photos and our DVD – which our videographer ships to us within a week after the wedding! – to share with her afterwards and I’ll make sure to set aside one each of the DIY projects that I did so that she can have some little pieces of the day. Her mom told us Monday that Beck was really upset about it, but I hope that she’s doing better now – I hope that she’s focusing on the little peanut that’s on his or her way! That’s the most exciting thing ever!!! I hope that she has the baby early in the day on Sunday – maybe Alex and I can stop by the hospital on our way down to JFK. I don’t want to go to London without knowing that everything went OK!
I’m going into work today because I am a crazy person, which means that I need to start getting ready. I really, really, really would rather not go into work because I’m starting to feel insane and work stresses me out and I really don’t need that on top of everything else. I’ve decided that I’ll only go in a half day, though. There are some things for a couple of my clients that I really want to get done so that no one else has to get saddled with it while I’m gone and once I get that stuff done I’m out of there today! Then, it’s off for a pedicure and eyebrow wax and then back here to start packing.
40 hours, 45 minutes remaining!!!!!
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby, wedding | Comment (0)I will be married at the end of this week. Today is Monday, I get married on Friday. Insane. Insanity.
I was up pretty late last night trying to pull together all of the remaining projects. Amy came over and was here for almost 6 hours helping me finish off the DIY stuff for the wedding day. She then brought it all up to the parents house so that they can take it with them to Franklin Plaza today when they go to meet with them and finalize everything. She is a saint. I can’t believe how long it took to finish everything up. Things I’ve learned about DIY projects: you always need more materials than you think and it will always take longer than you expect. Oh, and you’ll always think of just one more thing that you wanted to do or you think you should have done. Wham will tell you that Dad acts the same way with the house. It must be a Wollyung thing.
So yeah. It’s Monday. I have today, tomorrow, and Wednesday left to finish up any of the Wedding related chores that I want to get done. Unfortunately, I have to work as well. I don’t have too much left to do – must write Thank you notes for attendant/parent/reader gifts and wrap those gifts, have to finish up two very simple DIY projects for the out-of-towner gift bags, have to pull together a list of people for group shots for the photographer, have to confirm all the vendors, etc. Not all that much left, actually. There is a ton of stuff to be done around the house (my DIY whirlwind has left the apartment a MESS) but Alex has the entire week off (brat) and so I’ve got a list started for him on the fridge.
I can’t believe it’s so close. I can’t believe it’ll be here so soon – and then it will be over. Insane. So much planning goes into one day – I’m very happy that we’ll be getting a DVD and tons of pictures to remember it all! (Which reminds me that I’d like to be able to somehow get the word out to folks that if they’re taking digital camera pictures, I’d love for them to share them with me… Have to figure out what the easiest way to do that is…)
I should be getting ready for work (which is going to be busy and hellish these next few days) but I’m glued to this computer obsessing over what I need to make sure that I do. I need to relax – I’ve got a VERY detailed to do list with 26 open items to be completed this week and I’m pretty sure that I’m not missing anything off the list. I woke up this morning before the alarm went off and was immediately wide awake. I think the freaking out is beginning. Hopefully I can ward that off with organization and planning.
In other news: Beck should be having the baby very shortly! She’ll be going to the doctor today and is a week over her due date so will be able to “talk inducement” with the doc. Hopefully everything goes well for her today! I can’t wait to meet her baby… I can’t believe she’s going to be a mommy! I predicted that the baby is a little girl. I guess that’s my “official” prediction now as it’s on my blog. Can’t wait to find out!
Also, we got our Harry Potter books on Saturday morning and I’m already a third of the way through. Can’t wait to finish up all the wedding projects tonight so I can get back to the book!!!
July Rocks.
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby, wedding | Comment (0)Amy had her baby just before midnight last night. She had a baby girl! She was 8 lbs 1 oz and 19.5″ long. She’s such an adorable little peanut!!! Alex and I visited Amy and Leigh at the hospital tonight. Amy is doing great! She’s up walking around and visiting with people and carrying the baby with such ease – you’d think she’d been a mom her whole life! Leigh was so funny talking about the birth: so animated and amazed! The baby is so sweet! I got to hold her and she was so good… didn’t cry the whole time we were there and was oblivious to all of the commotion going on around her. They haven’t named her yet – they’re trying to decide between two names. The only clue that Amy would give was that both names started with an M. Can’t wait to find out what they choose! Here’s a pic of “Little Miss M. Foster” with Mommy and Daddy… I’ve got a few more pics on My Picture Website.
Popularity: unranked [?]
Filed under Baby | Comment (0)
