I went to my doctor today and I’m not sure if I totally think she just sucks or what. Well, that’s not fair. She’s my GP and doesn’t specialize in back stuff so I should probably give her a break. But she was just like, “well, I guess you can go back to see Dr Gordan (the neurosurgeon) and then he’ll probably refer you to the Physical Medicine & Rehab doctor again.” What a joy that will be. Take time out of work to go to the neurosurgeon who isn’t going to do anything for me and who will be snotty and annoyed that I’m there because he’s a big fancy neurosurgeon and I don’t need surgery only to be referred again to a PM&R doctor who will refer me for more physical therapy. I want off this crazy train. I have the exercises from PT and I’m convinced that I’m not getting better because I haven’t really been making an effort towards really focusing on sitting correctly and doing my exercises so I’m just going to do what I can on my own. That’s what I’ve decided, dammit. Of course, Alex won’t be happy with that assessment.
So anyway when my doctor was done annoying me this morning she asked, “do you want a flu shot?” and I was like, “oh totally because at least I’ll get something useful out of today’s visit” (well, I didn’t SAY that – what I said was “sure” – but I definitely thought that…) and then the nurse came in and stuck me and now my arm is all hurty and I feel vaguely crappy.
This is me whining again. I’m such a whiner lately. Just ask Beck and Dodi.
It’s because I’m obsessing again. Oh, you know about what. Take a look at that post two down. Babies. Well, a baby. Having one. I’d told Alex back in June that I’d give him a six month break and that I wouldn’t bring it up again until December 12th but I couldn’t make it that long. He had me babysit a 10 week old a few weeks ago, can you blame me for getting the crazies again?! No. You can’t. I’m completely rational. (Not at all.)
I’m old. I’m like, 29. That’s ancient. But beyond that, I just can’t stop thinking of babies. Babies, babies, babies. It’s retarded. Like today, I was at work trying to write up a review of one of my employees but I kept just staring off into space. And then all of a sudden I was on amazon.com cruising baby paraphenalia. Argh! This happens, like, daily.
Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore so I brought it up with Alex yesterday and he shit on my dreams. He told me that his feelings towards children have changed (meaning, he’s ok with having them sometime in the near future) but that he’s worried about my back. ARGH. So I went to the doctor today and asked her about having a baby with back problems like mine. She didn’t seem to think it was such a big deal. She told me that I probably would experience some increased back pain with more weight, but that I could always try and lose some weight first and that it shouldn’t prevent us from trying for kids. See? I knew it.
So I decided to talk to Alex again tonight. I told him that he didn’t have my back as an excuse so if there was anything else that was bothering him he better tell me now. He admitted that while he’s not freaked out anymore about having kids, he is freaked out about the next year for him. He’s in school to get his Paramedic and he’s required to do a bunch of ride time (which caused him to get a per diem job with the Clifton Park ambulance) and hospital time. He’s nervous because on top of all that, he’s required by his job to take on call time as well. And, next semester he goes up to 4 days a week for school from three. He’s just not sure how it will all work out. I told him that he needs to talk to his boss – there’s no sense in just worrying over it without attempting to make some sense of it. I asked him if he really was sure about being a firefighter, because he’d said something last weekend that made me think that he wasn’t sure. He confirmed that he’s positive about it – and that his comment last weekend was more to do with convincing himself that if it doesn’t happen, he’d still be OK. Then I told him that he just needs to focus on that. He’s doing things to make that happen and if he’s insanely busy for a year, then that’s what it’s going to take. I won’t whine to him about his not being around. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.
So I guess I understand why he’s not completely on board with starting to try to have a baby. He’s worried about this year and stressed out and I get it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make me want it any less, but I get it. Sigh. So now I guess I have to wait till the Spring. At that point, he’ll be well into the next semester and the light at the end of the tunnel will be a little closer for him. And if we actually started trying and succeeded right away in like April or May we’d have a baby by early 2010.
Soooo far off!
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