had to work the overnight shift last night. it was so long and boring, i wanted to be dead. i couldn’t sleep at all yesterday before i went to work, and so by the time i left i’d been up for 24 hours. and i was so tired that i felt extremely ill. and then some woman rearended me. i was sitting at a stop light crying because i’m depressed and i was too tired to deal with anything and she was behind me and she just hit me. and when i looked in my rearview mirror she was waving like, “it’s ok”, and i was like, “no, it’s not ‘ok’ you’re an idiot and you just hit me with your car.” anyway, i didn’t pull over or anything because she really only tapped me (but it was enough to rock my car and confuse me) so i knew there wouldn’t be a mark or anything. but i was still pissed. stupid woman.
so i just finished a book by candace bushnell the woman who wrote sex and the city called 4 blondes. it was a good book… 4 short stories about powerful blonde women in nyc, but most of them dealt with failed long term relationships and they depressed the hell out of me. anyway, i’m going out for shopping therapy now. ali

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friends is better than nothing. and if that’s what it has to be, then that’s what it has to be. i still love him, and this will hurt for a while, i know. but i’m not going to dwell on it anymore.

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This is also very odd…

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getting ready for lunch with tim… even though it’s an hour and a half away… i can’t help but be nervous… friends is better than nothing, but i still love him… ugh. i hope this goes well…
for something completely random, click here

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so i got that job, YAY!! it’s gonna be so perfect I’m really excited… I also spoke with tim… i’m going to meet him tomorrow at Friday’s for lunch… i dunno. the conversation was very “friends” so i think that’s what i can expect from tomorrow… i’m nervous… i know i’m going to be dissappointed… ah well… friends is better than nothing…

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so, here’s my horoscope for today:

Your Daily Horoscope: Cancer

You should be feeling pretty excited when it comes to your most important relationships today, and you ought to be pretty hard to resist right now. Don’t be afraid to make your feelings known and ask for whatever you want from that special person in your life. You should be primed for romantic success right now.

I hope it’s right… i didn’t hear from tim yesterday, but he said in his voicemail on monday that yesterday would probably not be a good day… so i hope i hear from him today… i’m getting ready to go to my second interview with that drs’ office in albany… i can’t help but still be a little nervous. i don’t like the outfit that i have to wear, but i only had one interview outfit (poor planning), so now i won’t look as sharp as before, but it’s still appropriate… i hope this goes well… more later… ali

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YAY!! The job that I interviewed for last Thursday called me back today One of the Dr’s in the practice wasn’t there for the interview because he was out of town, and he called me back today. He said that Bill (the other Dr) was very impressed with the way I presented my background during the interview and that he was too after reviewing my stuff. He said that they didn’t want to hire anyone without both Drs meeting with them, so he asked if I could come back for a second interview tomorrow morning at 9:15… I’m so happy! I think I’m getting this job YAY!! This is the one that would work perfectly: Mon-Fri 9-1 $10/hr

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i believe i have the upper hand… after thursday tim didn’t call. i started to think that maybe this was his way of saying that he just really did want to break up and had no intentions of getting back together. so i started to think about this whole thing in permanent terms, and i felt bad that maybe the last thing i ever would say to tim was that upset and accusing voicemail i left him on thursday. so saturday while i drove down the northway on my way to pennsylvania, i left him one last voicemail. i said that i didn’t know what to make of thursday and that i couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to talk to me. i said that the way he’s handled everything left me in a state of confusion, and i needed to talk to him to get things cleared up, and that i deserved that from him. i also said that i didn’t want “us” to end badly, i thought that after five years we deserved more than that. i told him that i was on my way to pennsylvania, and that i had some interviews this week and that i’d been thinking about apartments in albany and that there was one on madison ave that i think i’m going to look at. and then i realized that i’d been blabbing so i just said that i hoped he was doing ok, and i hoped that i’d hear from him. after i hung up, i was satisfied thinking that if that was the last thing i ever said to tim, it correctly showed how i was feeling and what i was thinking, and it wasn’t weak or bitchy.
so i drove to PA… the trip was uneventful. i listened to my new minidisc player, it worked great I love new electronics… I had a good trip. it was nice to see my mom and RJ again… Saturday night we just hung around my Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby’s house driking tequilla then Sunday we all pitched in to help Karen get ready for Nana and PopPop’s party (it was at Karen and Bobby’s house, but it was catered). Everyone showed up early for the party, but it was a success. The appetizers that mom and RJ made were great and the catered food was very good. the weather cooperated the whole time, it was warm out (not too hot, not too cold) and it didn’t rain. Karen got a cake to look just like their wedding cake (it was beautiful) and a cake for my great uncle vince who’s birthday happened to be that day (she got both cakes made by a local woman for $30, can you believe that?!). My Aunt Denise made the cutest favors using a candle that looked like a little potted tulip and hershey kisses all wrapped in tulle and tied with a gold ribbon. attached to the ribbon was a paper heart with “ned and jean 1952 – 2002″ written on it and a tiny copy of their wedding photo. That morning i checked my voicemail and tim had left me a message… he sounded pretty nervous. he said that he didn’t know what to tell me about Thursday, he didn’t mean to blow me off, and he does want to talk to me. he said he was “shocked” about me looking for an aparment and said that he’d help me look for one… he kept saying that he wanted to talk to me and he kept calling me hon… then he said that he had to work sunday and monday night but that he’d call me monday… then yesterday i got a message from him around 5pm… he again sounded nervous, he tried to crack a couple jokes and sound normal, but he didn’t really succeed at that… he said that he had to work that night but that he wanted to get together with me some time later this week to talk and that he’d call me… i bet he expected to hear from me by this morning when he left work, but i’m not calling him back. i want him to call me… and i’m sure he will…

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Just got back from PA where I went to my Nana and PopPop’s 50th wedding anniversary party… and now i have to go to work for today only on the weight watchers website you can see my friend Amy’s success story… click here to see it… more later… ali

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this sux. after 5 years, tim just up and dumps me with no warning. we’d been making all these plans (which, by the way, he always brought up) and then all of a sudden he needs time apart, and then he makes no effort to talk to me again. what the hell. i guess i can understand if he’s freaking out, but why wouldn’t he want to talk to me then? is he too afraid? is he afraid that if we talked, he would go back on his decision? or is he afraid that if we talked he’d only hurt me more? this would hurt less if he had just come out and said, I’m sorry, I’m not in love with you anymore, we have to break up. but instead he says, i have a problem with me, i need to work it out, i need some space. so, what did he mean? this sux.

my dad suggested that perhaps tim was trying to tell me something when he told me the story about giving his friend money at the wedding just cause he asked. maybe tim feels like when he’s put in a box, he just does what’s expected of him. so, maybe with graduating tim is wondering if he really wants to be a nurse or if he’s doing it cause that’s what was expected of him. and, by the same token, maybe tim brought up moving in together and marriage because he thought that’s what was expected of him at that point. and so now he’s trying to step back and see if he’s been doing what he’s been doing because he wanted to do it, or if he was doing it cause that’s what was expected of him. i’d really hate to think that tim was with me and talking about a future together just because that’s what he thought was expected of him. i certainly didn’t put that expectation on him, or at least i didn’t conciously. i’ve actually always tried to not bring it up, because i didn’t want to pressure him. he’s always been the one to bring it up.

so becky’s response to that was that she didn’t think that if he really did it only because that’s what he thought was expected of him, that wouldn’t make sense. because he wouldn’t be the one to bring it up all the time if he only did it cause he thought it was expected of him. if he thought that way, he’d probably avoid bringing it up at all.. i dunno. i dunno if the preceding sentences made sense at all because i’m writing this when i’m really tired.

i dunno. i don’t know what to think. i’m hurt that tim would treat me this way after five years. but at the same time i’m not mad (not really, not yet anyway) because i’m pretty sure that he didn’t set out to hurt me on purpose. also, i don’t think he really knows what he wants (and that sux. makes me feel bad. how can he not be sure after all this time?) and he seems very confused and scared. i know that this isn’t about me, it’s about him. ugh. i’m not making any sense. i’m just trying to write out what i’m feeling cause i can’t stand thinking about it anymore. he’s acting like such a child right now. he completely blew off his brother and wife (michael and amy, i love them, they’re great) at his graduation cause he knew that they’d side with me and tell him he’s being an asshole. he probably felt guilty and so he avoided them. he sux right now. he should act like an adult. i mean, why would you act like that? it’s like he’s reverting back to his childhood and he’s pushing away everyone who would encourage him to become an adult. he’s really got a lot of growing up to do, and i guess i’ve felt that before, but now i know it. it will be interesting to see how he handles starting his new job. i can’t see him moving out on his own either. not unless his mother went and picked out an apartment and moved him in.

i, on the other hand, have started looking around, and i plan on moving out asap. i can’t wait around for him to grow up, cause i guess i don’t know if that will ever happen. this situation just sux. why would he make all these plans with me just to suddenly dump me and not talk to me again? what’s going on? i have no closure. there was no problem, no big blow up… he decides to end it by saying that he still wants to be my friend as he walks around with me holding my hand. and then he never makes an effort to contact me. what the hell. i mean, if he just wanted to break up with me he should have had the balls to do it. and if he wanted to be my friend, he should have had the balls to call me. what the hell. now i’m just left in this awful limbo. i guess i just have to assume it’s permanent. i hoped that it would have ended better if it had to end at all. i just want to talk to him and see what he’s thinking. is he relieved? or does he think this sux also? i have no idea. i think he owes it to me to talk to me and give me some closure. and through all this, i can’t help but miss him so much. i was happy. i thought he was happy (although i was obviously wrong). we had so much fun together. i thought we were in love. he led me to believe that we had a future together. and then he suddenly took it all back. this sux, i miss him, and i’m increadibly hurt.

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